I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
