i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
