you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
