My nipple is on Facebook.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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