Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
