I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
