I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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