There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Randomize
