I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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