I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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