So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
