**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
