Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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