So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
