i wish my penis had a tongue
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
