I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends