I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
