Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
