Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
