and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
