even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
