Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
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Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
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Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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