They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
