Pregnant stripper...not hot.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
