so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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