I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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