Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
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His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
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you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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