He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
