all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
