MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
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I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
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And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
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