the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
