By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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