Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
