She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
