I just pynch a tree in the face
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
