seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
