The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
