Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
