Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
It's official drugs can't kill me
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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