I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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