Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
