I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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