just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
