she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
