I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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