Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
