The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
