I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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