Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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