Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
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I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
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debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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