yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
