dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
