I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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