She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"